My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
