I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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