I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
