Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
