Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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