On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
