I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
