I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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