What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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