I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Who died my cat blue again?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
