i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
