I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
