i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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