My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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