She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
