theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's rum buckets o'clock
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
