guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
