My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
