What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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