your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
