I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
