my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
zippers are such a cool invention
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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