so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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