I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
