I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
