My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
