Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
