I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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