okay pat passed out under dana's car
i was born a porn star she said
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
