Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
