I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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