Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
