i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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