Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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