there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
