hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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