I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i think my cat just said my name.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
