do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
