your parents love me but you hate me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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