There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
