I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
