You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
