Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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