i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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