apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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