so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
