Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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