she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
