Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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