While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
