We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
