Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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