Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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