so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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