We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
