Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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